Reset : Who or What are you running from ?

I always seem to have this urge to want to press reset on my life.
I am 18 so that seems really odd.
It's funny I chose to use the word reset because its had both a negative and positive connotation this week.
On one hand my whole entire iPhone reset which was awful.
But , I've also been having this urge to reset my whole entire life.
Since the age of 12 I've always had the desire for something new.
Something about starting over , refreshing , resetting and restarting always intrigued me.

In High School I counted on college being my fresh start.
However , since college I find myself searching for something new again.
I moved 14hrs away from home . You'd think that would be enough for me.
It hasn't been enough. It seems like the older I get the further away I want to move.

I am not sure if it's because I am running from something or because I am truly interested.
I just know whenever something bad happens I always want to "start over" or I start fantasizing- about where I should move. I think OHHH Botswana , Cape Town , Paris ! Even sometimes those places don't seem to be good enough.

As of lately I've been fixated on going to South Africa for a whole academic school year. I've always wanted to go to South Africa. However , I am beginning to think. Why isn't a semester good enough for me. What is it or rather who is it I am running from ?

Are you guys running ?
Is resetting good or bad in your life ?

Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless

Comparing and Contrasting !

It's easy to compare your lives to others .
It's easy to want what they have.
You think they have everything you want.
However , It is important to realize the blessings you have.
As hard as it may be to believe , there is someone wishing they had what you have .

Life is this complex thing.
No one knows how to figure it out.
You are told what you are suppose to want .
The average person is suppose to want :
1. Ivy League Education
2. High Salary
3. A Husband/Wife
4. A family
5. A expensive house
6. To retire in the suburbs

When your not on the path to attain any of the these and others around you are
you start to feel inferior.
But what if you don't want society's definition of "norm"
What if you want a liberal arts education , to be happy and to live in a
condo does that make you any less successful than anyone else.

My point is we all want different things.
We all get different things at different times.
So do not be distracted by all that you don't have.
You will have it sooner or later.
Things happen in due time.

Ta Ta ,

Happily Hopeless

Who are you living for ?

In the midst of the finals hustle and bustle.
I have managed to come up with the perfect blog topic.
"Who are you living for ?"

Being a college student , comes with a great deal of stress.
In the midst of finals i became struck with the question.
Am i in college for me ? Am I majoring in what I'm major in for me ?
Is my career aspirations for myself ?

Many times people lose sight of the fact that the life they are living is there own.
They will ultimately have to live with whatever choices they make.
It's easy to forget with :

1. Family pressure - Pressure to please your family . I mean many of us can relate to the fact that many of our parents wanted us to be doctors or lawyers.

However you have to do what makes yourself happy. Not what makes your mom or dad happy . As much as we love to make mommy dearest smile . We have to sometimes put ourselves first.

2. Money- Who doesn't want to be rich ? Many college students think. Money will buy happiness. It won't . In fact you can have all the money in the world and still be miserable.

Do what you love ? Yes , I realise times are hard. Prices are increasing and wages are remaining the same. However , i am a firm believer in the saying "Do what you love , money will come later ".

3. Need for Approval from Friends/Partner  - Listen , just because your friend wants to be the first female president of the universe ( dramatic i know ) , doesn't mean you have to. Just because your boyfriend wants to be Jay-Z , doesn't mean you have to be Beyonce !

*Though i will say any one dating me has to be Barack because I am Michelle (ha ha ) *

Be content with your career decisions. Have peace within yourself about every decision you make. It will relieve stress of you.

So i ask you. Who or what are you living for  ? Is it for YOU ! Or is it for family acceptance , money , friend approval or to fulfil the vision of your partner .

Live for YOU !

Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless

Just Breathe

There has jut been so much death going on around me lately. I'm constantly reminded that one minute you are here and then poof you're gone just like that. It's a scary realization honestly. For most people a wake up call is in order so you start living differently. But , why is it that it takes someone dying for us to realize the importance of every moment.

I've just been a nervous wreck honestly. And through it all I hear God saying " Relax my child , just breathe". But everything is closing around me and I feel like I can't breathe. My heart is pounding. The pressure to fulfill my destiny is a weight on me. I don't want to run out of time. But I know I have to breathe. I know I can't sweat the small stuff . I know I have to let go.  But

1. I'm trying I get right spiritually. Trust God is a big task but I'm trying. I'm praying more than usual but not as often as I should.

2. I'm fat as hell. Lol , I need to be Naomi Campbell before I leave this earth. This is a little shallow but hey I am human.

3. My relationship status is a mess mess mess mess. I won't even go into that.

4. I have so many years of school left. I just want to be sure I'm going the right way. Don't want to waste anyone's time or money.

I know what I need to do. Just breathe. Just live. But it's easier said than done guys. There are days when you can just do it. Then there are days when you're heart is heavy and you're mind is spinning and not even therapy or gospel music can calm you.

I'll try to keep it together y'all.

Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless

First Generation College Student.

Being a first generation college student is a blessing and a curse all in the same breath.

Its a blessing because you broke a generational curse of not attending college.

It's a curse because everyone and I mean EVERYONE in your family is depending on you to be better and greater.

High expectations are amazing... but they also can be a burden.

But for me it was something a little more drastic...

I was a first generation High School graduate...

I remember stressing and crying and not thinking I was going to make it.

BUT

I made it and graduated top 10% of  my class at that.

College is so different though.. you constantly questioning you're worth

You can't call family members to ask for advice because they've never  been in your shoes and dont know what to say.

Believe it or not...

Graduating from high school was possibly the best day of my life..

I dont even think my wedding day will be able to compare ( Ok , that's a little dramatic).

But the way my parents looked at me , the way my whole family looked at me...

I'd graduate 1000 times just to see them be that proud of me again.

So with that being said... back to studying...

For my fellow

 first generation college students out there...

Stay Strong.

You can do it.

We made it this far can't turn back now.

Ta Ta ,

Happily Heartless

Good days , Bad Days

We all have them good days and bad days.
Good days will have you feeling unconquerable.
But bad days...
Are the worst.
All that strength you've acquired over the years boil down to a weak faint tear that keeps you bound to your bed.  Sometimes it keeps you bound to the fridge.
I guess my point is today is a bad day. Yes , it's only 8:33am. But what do you do when you don't want to get out of bed.  When crying seems like a better  option than smiling.

1.Eat a big healthy and fulfilling breakfast. Pancakes anyone ?
2. Play gospel or India arie. Either one will make you feel renewed.
3. Want to break down and cry go ahead.  But don't stay there for too long.
4. Lastly , get on a bike , bus , fly ! Do what you have to do to get out of that room.

The key is. Turn your bad day to a good day. A day is 24hrs and once those 24hrs is gone that's it.  Make sure you're days on earth mean something. Be positive. Be hopeful.

Ta ta ,
Happily heartless

Psychologist - Not For Black Women ?

So as a Caribbean American teenager.
I was very opposed to having anything to do with therapy.
We've all heard the stereotypes black people BLACK WOMEN don't go to therapy.
CHURCH is therapy . No body can help you like JESUS CAN ? Right ?
Yes , God is amazing and his mercy endureth forever. Yes , God has blessed me tremendously. However, What if therapy is the way God choses to bless you or heal your broken heart.
Well here's my question to you.
Why did God put therapist on the earth ?
Lol they are here for a reason ladies and gentlemen.
See therapy doesn't  mean that there is something necessarily mentally or socially wrong with you.
But rather , therapy is a place where you can possibly view things a different way or get to the root of many of your emotional issues.

Going into therapy on my campus was a HUGE step for me!
I worried what people would think of me or if there was something wrong with me.

Surprisingly therapy has managed to turn me from pessimist to an optimist.

Before Dr.D ,  (she's amazing by the way).

I was one who had a very dark world view.
I thought people were evil ( they are lol ) , and that nothing in life could bring joy.
See I didn't want a cat , dog , plant , boyfriend , baby , NOTHING living and those were my exact words to my therapist,

However ,
After a few sessions. I found myself looking forward to the future. I found my self romanticizing about actually having a husband , plants , ..... dare I say it kids. A long time from now of course... I'm only 18 folks.

See heartbreak will do that to you. Well heartbreak at the age of 18. But somewhere between consuming way too much junk food , listening to sad songs and crying on you're bedroom floor, something beams behind that door you refuse to open. HOPE! The new door and path you are afraid to take has something much more fulfilling than you will imagine.

SO if your life is a MESS and you need more than church,  go to therapy especially college students I mean you're paying for it. Wear a disguise , swallow your pride , pray do what you have to do and go.

Psychologist/Therapist are for Black Women too.

- Happily Heartless