I have always prided myself in being an open book.
The greatest thing my mother taught me was to never pretend.
There was no faking it till you make it . Its either you are or you aren't.
I spent majority of being 19 trying to be something. I was not sure what exactly what that something was but I wasn't happy. My weight was climbing , my confidence was declining and I was lost.
I guess they said its normal at that age . But my biggest fear was being stuck in this place of lostness . So I clinged on to familiarity because it was comfortable even when I knew it was time to let go. I still clung to it. I think the worst thing any person can do is cling to a painful and wrong familiarness just because we are afraid to experience the unknown.
I was guilty of doing just that . I was terrified of anything outside of what i was familiar with. I had the quotes that told me my life began outside of my comfort zone. I preached it to everyone around me but like the general population.. I didn't follow my own advice. Not until after my 20th birthday that is .
It was turning 20 that made me realize that letting go and going into uncertainty isnt always bad. After a rough semester , a rougher break up and falling to a place of standstill in the middle of foreignness . I began to find myself again. Crazy how you find yourself in the wilderness. I started to really try and understand what is I wanted and who it was I wanted to be. I wanted to stop trying to live up to what I THOUGHT people wanted me to be. I stopped trying to repair people ... because I realized that wasn't my job. I realized that it was my responsibility to fix myself... and even that responsibility wasn't solely mines.
So I started from the root , I looked within myself and did what my mom had been trying to get me to do for years. I took some time to discover myself. I stopped lying to myself . And gave myself a reality check. The first thing i realized was I was using relationships , hair and school to hide from myself. For years I used false hair as a security blanket thinking it would make me feel more beautiful or confident , thinking it would make people accept me or like me. I got tired of hiding behind weave. So I asked my dad who conveniently enough was a barber to shave off all my hair. It was the best decision I've ever made and I never felt more beautiful or secure .
I then started to let go of relationships and interactions that i spent more time fixing than enjoying. I stop letting people emotionally bind me . I walked away from things that made me feel like I was imprisoned. It was a liberating feeling and along with that the stress faded.
I worked and prayed hard to get to a place where I accepted myself and put myself first. I got here and it felt like after years of trying to stay a float in people expectations. I was able to walk on water in my own life and live not struggling to keep up. I encourage you to rise to the occasion and live YOUR LIFE . YOUR TRUTH,
- Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless/
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