8.1.22 Thoughts on being present + death anxiety

I found myself looking at blogs from nearly 10 years ago.

I was 17 and swore I had my life figured out.

Well actually I knew I didn't have my life figured out and pleaded with my future self to remain present and not to sweat the small stuff.

Not a lot has changed. The location has changed, my appearance has changed, friendships and relationships have come and go as I predicted they would. But the message remains the same. Be Present. 

I have been fixated on the book of Ecclesiastes as of recently and think about King Solmon's stream of consciousness on happiness (totally recommend you read it). He goes on this journey to find happiness and finds that in the end nothing truly matters. He concludes that we are merely here to have an experience and should cherish the experience. It's bleak but I can relate.  I too have gone through the desire to find happiness outside of myself and have also discovered just how pointless it truly is because essentially, we all are distracting ourselves from the inevitable... death. I know not the most exciting topic to talk about, but I find myself fascinated with it. I pray I don't die soon but I also am just wanting to know more about people's thoughts on it. How they cope with the anxiety. Is it a spiritual grounding?  Is it repression? Avoidance? Children? Love? And how does a person define a meaningful life... is it based on societal norms, culture, self-exploration?

In the midst of all this I find myself venturing back to my motto of being present. I'll be honest and say that I feel like it's all a distraction. To combat these feelings, I plan on incorporating more mindfulness in my days less screen time, more time outside, more journaling, more connecting, more feeling, more flowing. I release the need to know everything, I release the need to control, I am free, it feels good to be free and it feels good to be me.

The Truth About Finding Your Purpose

One of the most romanticized concepts you encounter in your early 20s is the concept about finding your purpose. People reduce  this excruciating time to this beautiful experience filled with constant enlightenment.

While that may be true ...like 15 years later when you reflect on it. The reality is that finding your purpose is never ending ,  scary , painful , hard and frustrating. There are beautiful moments but there are a lot of wrong paths you travel down before you finally reach your "path". Alot of relationships are lost. Alot of failures occur, Alot of tears are cried , blood shed , self doubt and setbacks occur.

To be as authentic as possible. I will say that for me. This journey has been quite the roller coaster.  I've gone down some wrong paths trying to fit the mold. Trying to live my life for the validation of others, I tried to live up to what society defines as success . But when I began to define success for myself I was at peace. When I stopped caring about meeting people's expectations but tried to exceed my own , I was whole. When I learned to please GOD first and then myself SECOND suddenly life wasn't as difficult as I had made it .  Finding your path is not romantic. And I have come to believe that  finding your purpose  is a life long journey that will occur up  until your depart this earth .

But I have learned a lot.  I have learned that no matter how much you plan your life. You do not know the future. The only thing you can do is work hard , take time to smell the roses , make yourself happy and just try to trust that in every step you make itll workout. And more importantly its ok to not have it figured out.

I am content . Some days are hard. Some falls are harder than others. But in everything I do I have expectancy that it will be worth it. It sucks , the journey but one day it will be so worth it.

TA TA ,
Happily Heartless


Acknowledgements : To DXB my muse since 7 years of age . In all of your endeavors I wish you much joy and success. Not all beautiful things last forever . But man was it beautiful.  To my friends from all walks of life from all parts of this earth I love yall ! To my mother , my rock you are the beginning in the end . To myself , just keep swimming .

ERROR ‘“The Mathematics Behind Hope “

They say if you do not expect much then you can never be disappointed. They tell you “now dont get too excited” , “girl.. dont get your hopes up” . We live in a society where having hope is viewed as a recipe for damnation. Having hope is viewed as self destruction .

But , Why , Why can't we wish and hope and dream and be excited. Is this what life  has done to us make us become aloof  humans waiting for the next wrong. I will not be a hypocrite and say I wasnt doing the same thing. I am guilty as charged . I was one of those people , consistently waiting for the other shoe to drop. Pretty crazy for a 20 year old but this has actually become a normal thing for people of all ages .

It's like people have become conditioned to pain and disappointment  for so long that they can't comprehend happiness its difficult for them to understand. Everytime happiness knocks on their door they condition themselves to see an ERROR message. It is as if being happy is this 3 part calculus equation .. when we experience it .. when we see it .. much like trying to understand a complex equation we panic , we turn the page , we skip it and go on to another subject because it is unfamiliar , its too hard , its impossible.

However , much like a complex equation if we allow ourselves to sit and assess the situation we will discover that this mysterious and challenging thing called happiness is not as unfamiliar  as we thought ,we have seen it before , we have experienced it before , we have done it before. Whether it be the joy you had when you got your first acceptance letter , or when your mother told you she was proud of you . It has been displayed to us time and time again even if for a moment. Im not saying sometimes we might have glanced away and missed a step.  Yeah , we may have miscalculated , chose the wrong guy , been at the wrong place at the same time . But the best thing about equations is you can work it out numerous times till you get it right. And there is no one way to get to the right answers.

So yeah .. sometimes happiness seems like a bad equation you can't solve. But I will be the first to tell you that no matter how complex it is to get to happy , no matter how long it takes , you will get there again because it's not foreign to you … you've done it before. You will do it again. Keep working on your equation . I will however give you a cheat for this equation. Hope … you can not solve it without hope .

Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless

Cutting off All Dead Weight : Relationships , Hair , Stress

I have always prided myself in being an open book.
The greatest thing my mother taught me was to never pretend.
There was no faking it till you make it . Its either you are or you aren't.
I spent majority of being 19 trying to be something. I was not sure what exactly what that something was but I wasn't happy. My weight was climbing , my confidence was declining and I was lost.
I guess they said its normal at that age . But my biggest fear was being stuck in this place of lostness . So  I clinged on to familiarity because it was comfortable even when I knew it was time to let go. I still clung to it. I think the worst thing any person can do is cling to a painful and wrong familiarness just because we are afraid to experience the unknown.

I was guilty of doing just that . I was terrified of anything outside of what i was familiar with. I had the quotes that told me my life began outside of my comfort zone. I preached it to everyone around me but like the general population.. I didn't follow my own advice. Not until after my 20th birthday that is .

It was turning 20 that made me realize that letting go and going into uncertainty isnt always bad. After a rough semester , a rougher break up and falling to a place of standstill in the middle of foreignness . I began to find myself again. Crazy how you find yourself in the wilderness. I started to really try and understand what is I wanted and who it was I wanted to be. I wanted to stop trying to live up to what I THOUGHT people wanted me to be. I stopped trying to repair people ... because I realized that wasn't my job. I realized that it was my responsibility to fix myself... and even that responsibility wasn't solely mines.

So I started from the root , I looked within myself and did what my mom had been trying to get me to do for years. I took some time to discover myself. I stopped lying to myself . And gave myself a reality check. The first thing i realized was I was using relationships , hair and school to hide from myself. For years I used false  hair as a security blanket thinking it would make me feel more beautiful or confident , thinking it would make people accept me or like me. I got tired of hiding behind weave. So I asked my dad who conveniently enough was a barber to shave off all my  hair.  It was the best decision I've ever made and I never felt more beautiful or secure .

I then started to let go of relationships and interactions that i spent more time fixing than enjoying. I stop letting people emotionally bind me . I walked away from things that made me feel like I was imprisoned. It was a liberating feeling and along with that the stress faded.

I worked and prayed hard to get to a place where I accepted myself and put myself first. I got here and it felt like after years of trying to stay a float in people expectations. I was able to walk on water in my own life and live not struggling to keep up. I encourage you to rise to the occasion and live YOUR LIFE . YOUR TRUTH,

- Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless/

Why are we so obsessed with the future ?

I'm guilty.
I've always been the type to always obsess over the future.
When i was in middle school i dreamed of high school.
High school i dreamed about college...
And...Now...
Well you get the point.

Most of us are guilty of it.
We spend most of our days thinking about tomorrow.
What's next?
Of course having a plan is necessary.
However sometimes we get so caught up in the future....
We forget about the now...
Ever notice how fast a day goes by.

Ever notice that  today....this moment...
We don't get it back .. there will never ever be a day like today again..

I guess. What im trying to say is.
Take time to enjoy NOW.
Appreciate the right NOW.
Don't let life pass you by.

Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless

Being Mary Jane : I am Mary Jane

A few Mondays ago i had a movie night with my girls.
Well , it inevitably turned into a "Tianna , you're bitter " type situation.
We had saw commercials for the new BET series Being Mary Jane...
My friend said Tia said " We are ALL Mary Jane".
I kind of gave her the side eye BUT
After watching what there is of the series...
I have realized that...
I am Mary Jane....
I am Mary Jane in the aspect that...
I neglect myself.
Always striving to make sure everyone's ok.
Always striving to perfect my career .
So consumed that i put my emotional health on the back burner.

I think many of my readers will agree that it is easy to put your emotional health second to everyone else's.
You cry with your friends.
Get angry with them.
And at the end of the day you're left to gather your feelings.
But you stop tell your self that , there are other things you should be focused on.

For me whenever i started to actually feel some sort of emotional response to my stressful situations....
Id throw myself into my school work...
or my job..

the funny thing is i started my blog to deter me from dealing with my feelings...
I guess the point is ...
we are all Mary Jane in some way..
whether you are a
1.black journalist
2.loving daughter who avoids her mother
3.great bestfriend
4.lost unlucky lover
5.workaholic
6.lost soul
In the words of my dear friend/photographer Tia Ming "we are ALL Mary Jane"

Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless

Reset : Who or What are you running from ?

I always seem to have this urge to want to press reset on my life.
I am 18 so that seems really odd.
It's funny I chose to use the word reset because its had both a negative and positive connotation this week.
On one hand my whole entire iPhone reset which was awful.
But , I've also been having this urge to reset my whole entire life.
Since the age of 12 I've always had the desire for something new.
Something about starting over , refreshing , resetting and restarting always intrigued me.

In High School I counted on college being my fresh start.
However , since college I find myself searching for something new again.
I moved 14hrs away from home . You'd think that would be enough for me.
It hasn't been enough. It seems like the older I get the further away I want to move.

I am not sure if it's because I am running from something or because I am truly interested.
I just know whenever something bad happens I always want to "start over" or I start fantasizing- about where I should move. I think OHHH Botswana , Cape Town , Paris ! Even sometimes those places don't seem to be good enough.

As of lately I've been fixated on going to South Africa for a whole academic school year. I've always wanted to go to South Africa. However , I am beginning to think. Why isn't a semester good enough for me. What is it or rather who is it I am running from ?

Are you guys running ?
Is resetting good or bad in your life ?

Ta Ta ,
Happily Heartless